Tag: children

Social Status

Posted by: Deborah Talalay Posted on: 17/10/2011 , , , ,

The one thing that will strike terror in a child’s heart is to be excluded.
This takes various forms and will be experienced as

  • Not being good enough for the in crowd.
  • Not being picked till last for a team.
  • Not being invited for outings or play dates.
  • Knowing that you are only invited if the whole class is going.

Kids need to know what their social standing is and how they rank against the other kids – where they stand in the social pecking order.
This is where so much of the mean behaviour between children comes from.
A child who has led a sheltered life and comes from a home where he is the apple of his family’s eye, often has a rude awakening when he gets to school.

In order for me to be better – you have to be worse.
And just in case anyone has any doubt about me being better – I will tell everyone what’s wrong with you. And if there isn’t anything wrong with you – I’ll make it up!

You probably recognise it – hordes of kids picking on one or two others so they can prove that they are superior. It’s called bullying which I talked about earlier this month, and it comes from desperation to be top of the pile, to have top social status. Because the opposite of social status is social exclusion. And the way you know you have social status is because others are not good enough and are excluded from your circle of friends.

The reason kids want high fashion items is not because these items are so much better – but because they prove how superior that child must be. Conversely – an item from Primark or BHS will actually prove to the child and to his classmates that he has no social status and that no self respecting person should want to associate with him. So that child is ashamed of what they are wearing and fearful that it might lead to their exclusion.

I remember one boy who was in the First Eleven at his school. He was a football star and reaped the admiration and popularity that went with it. He could do no wrong with the girls and he was always included in any social gathering. Until one day he had an injury. He got over the injury but every time he played football the injured part flared. So he had to stop playing.
His place was filled by another boy, and the team went on without him. He couldn’t be part of the group and his friends started to be less friendly and to not include him in other events. But this wasn’t just about not being part of a group that shared an experience. This was about losing his social standing which had depended on him being a football star. Since he no longer had his place as a star – he could not enhance the reputation of these friends – so was no longer worth knowing. It was a very painful experience for the boy. His confidence was completely shattered for a long time, but he learned from it and chose his next friends with greater care.

A child aspiring to social status has to take care that they are never seen to be friendly with so called losers – even if they secretly quite like them. They cannot side with them or rescue them if they are being bullied. In fact – a child who is unsure of his social standing could well be the loudest and the meanest just to prove that he isn’t a loser.

This is part of the growing up process in our culture. Maybe when we see it in our children we would handle it better if we understand the insecurities which give rise to this behaviour. Maybe we could reassure them that the other kids don’t have to be inferior so that they can be amazing, and that another child being good at something does not automatically mean our child is inferior – but that everyone can be amazing in their own different way.

If you would like help in letting go of your insecurities, you may find that Theta Healing will help:
Please call me on – 07979538 378 to find out more
Go to my website www.18.135.123.1. I have given an explanation on Theta Healing and how it works.

Bullying

Posted by: Deborah Talalay Posted on: 03/10/2011 , , , , ,

It is the start of the school year and our children have gone back to school.

Some are starting in secondary school, and some have moved to a different school. This is the time when they will have to meet different and higher expectations from their teachers. It is also the time when children will have been separated from their friends and will have to make new friendships.

It is a time of increased anxiety and vulnerability for a lot of children, especially if they have been put into a class which they don’t like, or have been put in with people who have formed bonds and are unwilling to let anyone else in.

Children can be amazingly unkind to each other.  They can exclude another child for being a little different to them – if they have a different skin colour or religion, if they wear glasses, if they have a physical defect – a stammer or lisp. Sometimes a child will be excluded for no good reason at all – just to make their tormentors feel they are on top – The King – by making another look and feel inadequate and small.

These are the first steps towards bullying.

Often a person will be bullied because someone is jealous. I know people who having been confident and popular then one day found themselves sent to Coventry and have never really understood why.  The reason is usually that someone else was jealous of their popularity and decided to spread some venom to make them unpopular. The other people in the class will join in with the bully for fear of getting the same treatment, and before you know it this child or teenager will find they have been completely marginalised.

Other scenarios include tormenting someone by hitting them or hurting them when no one else is looking. If the youngster complains he’s immediately accused of being a mummy’s boy or a grass and sinks deeper into the trap. Many kids have their lunch or lunch money stolen from them.

I remember when a child I know was being bullied.  No one knew about it till halfway through the term when he started wetting the bed.

He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone about it. He was deeply hurt that his best friend had joined the bullies. This was a case of being too popular for his rival’s comfort – though the child had not even realised the other was a rival. He was told that if he submitted to physical tortures he would be allowed to join the games. He refused. So he spent every playtime entirely alone.

When his parents found out, there was some discussion about leaving it to the child to deal with, and that parents shouldn’t interfere. I couldn’t disagree with this more.

The consequences of having been bullied are appalling.

Anyone who is being tormented and bullied has had their confidence severely knocked. They are usually led to believe that it’s because of something they’ve done – or because of who they are.  That it’s all their fault. They are terrified of making it worse by going to someone in authority. Many youngsters pretend they are unwell rather than face their tormentors.  Some actually do become ill. And tragically, some take their own lives.

I have met people who hide from life – who are unable to work or form a relationship because they have been bullied in school – whose trust in their fellow humans has been completely ruined – whose lives have been ruined.

It is the same as with any form of abuse – the victim is the one who is made to feel that none of this would have happened if there had not been something terribly wrong with them.

It is crucial that any adult seeing that their child has become introverted, or wondering why their child is withdrawn should find out what is going on, and consider the possibility that their child is being bullied. The child may be quite reluctant to speak about it. Don’t let that stop you.

Tell the authorities. If they don’t take immediate and decisive action, remove the child from that school.  The consequences of leaving a youngster to fend for himself are too dreadful.

The parents of the young boy decided to tell the school their son was being bullied, and it was dealt with immediately. The entire school was drawn into a discussion on bullying. The bully was made to understand what he had done and the teachers kept a very close eye on the people involved to make sure it did not start up again.

There one or two who have been strengthened by being forced to stand alone. The majority have been severely traumatised and often for life.

In my practice, Theta Healing has restored the victim’s confidence and sense of worth, and has enabled men and women to start to build their lives.

Most people do not have the opportunity to have this treatment, so let us be alert while it is happening and stop it before it takes hold.

Make sure that bullying is stopped, whether in the workplace, at home or at school – that it is nipped in the bud – that the bullies understand what they have done and that they are punished.

If you would like help in rebuilding your sense of worth and your confidence, you may find that Theta Healing will help:
Please call me on – 07979538 378 to find out more.
Go to my website www.18.135.123.1. I have given an explanation on Theta Healing and how it works.

Exam Phobia

Posted by: Deborah Talalay Posted on: 15/06/2011 , , , ,

There is a very different scenario to the teenager who won’t try. It’s the girl/boy who works well throughout the year – but when it comes to sitting down to take an exam fails himself miserably.

The coursework proves that the student has understood the subject and can discuss it with intelligence and insight.  And then you have the exam, in which the same student is completely incapable of summoning up any of the facts or of making any sort of argument or coherent discussion.

This phobia is very similar to fear of public speaking.

There is a feeling of such physical terror that the mind goes blank, the mouth becomes dry, a vacuum opens up between your ears, and you become incapable of recognising anything other than the dread in your heart and the terrible fear that accompanies it. Well learned facts and figures fly out of your mind. You can’t remember anyone’s name – let alone their dates.  You know you have failed yet again. The despair is overwhelming.

If you have exam phobia you will know that this creates all sorts of problems in other areas.

You don’t feel well – and often have nausea, stomach cramps and perhaps diarrhoea.

The expectation of performing badly means there is not much point in revising.

The dread of the approaching exam interferes with sleep – so you can spend a long time worrying and have difficulty getting to sleep. Then when you do – you have nightmares.

Your energy drains away and you feel too tired to revise.

Your confidence hits rock bottom.

The whole thing is a blight on your life.

If it’s your child going through this – you watch and wish you could do something more to help.  Is extra tuition the answer? Would a no – nonsense approach get better results? Should you put the child into a less academic environment?

You watch your child torture himself and you feel angry and impotent.

What is going to happen to the child who may be bright and have academic potential but who cannot compete in the race?

What sort of a life can this child expect?

Is he condemned to work at a level far less than his capabilities?

Luckily there are answers.

There are excellent homeopathic remedies which target this phobia.

Go to an experienced homeopath and they will find the remedy that most closely corresponds to the symptoms. Homeopathic remedies are safe and effective. You will not become addicted and your personality won’t be masked by them.

Go to a Theta Healer to find out why this phobia exists.

I have found that it is usually for the same reasons that are responsible for most of our negative and self limiting thinking.

A belief that:
• I’m not clever enough
• I’m not good enough
• I am unacceptable
• I’m a failure

And so the list goes on.

You may say that yours or your child’s situation is not as bad as has been described and that all this sounds very heavy duty. Of course – I have given the worst case scenario and there are many different levels of experience.

But the responsibility for all these levels of experience lies with the same beliefs – though maybe not as strongly felt.

Of course – most of us do not go around saying that we aren’t good enough, and we don’t think of ourselves as failures.  But in the back of the mind there is a little voice which tells us exactly that. We do our best to squash it – but somehow the negativity seeps through and saps our confidence. We start to develope fear of doing whatever we think may challenge us.  We only see the fear – because we have hidden what lies under and what is now concealed by the fear. The underlying beliefs are responsible for our phobias – the fear is only the symptom.

Think of the brain as a computer hosting many programmes.  Mostly the capacity of this amazing machine is used up by our negative programming – leaving less room for the positive programme circuits.

When you eradicate that negative voice in your head, the fear goes with it, and leaves room on your circuits for the positive thoughts to enter and for confidence and positivity to start influencing your life.

I have a more detailed explanation of how Homeopathic treatment and Theta healing can help on my web site:

www.health4life-online.com

If you would like help for yourself/ a friend or family member/ or would like to find out more, I can be contacted on : 07979538378

Exam Revision: – Does Facebook feature more prominently than text books?

Posted by: Deborah Talalay Posted on: 01/06/2011 , , , ,

Exams are looming.

How does your teenager deal with them?

Is revision put off till the last possible moment until fear and panic set in?

Does Facebook feature more prominently than textbooks?

Or does she feel she can’t possibly revise the entire syllabus – doesn’t know where to start – so doesn’t do anything?

Or like one boy I treated – who was so terrified of sitting the exams he couldn’t bring himself to think about it – and that included revision.

Has procrastination becomes a way of life?

One parent told me of the sinking feeling of despair she had when she saw her clever but unmotivated son divide his time between yet another computer game and the TV. She told me how angry and upset she was that she was paying for a first class education so he could get a start in life – and how let down she felt that he was damaging his future by throwing away his opportunities and his potential, and that he hadn’t valued or recognised the effort his parents were making to send him to his school.

In these very common scenarios no amount of cajoling or bribery make any difference and guilt trips only succeed in making them even more stubborn.

It can look like laziness, but in my experience there is no such thing as a lazy child.

What I have seen are children whose attitude and performance are clouded by negative beliefs and low expectations of themselves. There are many who believe that they are not as clever as parents or brothers and sisters – they believe they will never live up to their family’s expectations of them and can’t possibly compete with the family track record. So they decide that they won’t put anything into it, and that will mean that they haven’t failed because they didn’t even try. You can’t fail if you don’t compete in the first place.

Belief: “I am not good enough”  lies beneath low expectations and poor performance.

What we are looking at is avoidance rather than laziness:

• Avoidance of failure and humiliation if they try and then fail, or if they try and the results are just mediocre.
• Avoidance of the disappointment of parents and themselves if they decide to try and then perform badly.
• Avoidance of the confirmation that they are not good enough.

Failure and fear of failure are responsible for a lot of negative attitude.

 

• Avoidance of being thought of as a nerd or a boffin. This one has a lot to do with the school and if it’s judged to be uncool if you’re clever.

You could lose your social status, which would be infinitely worse than failing a few exams.

The fear of being seen as too clever can make a teenager underperform

Then there’s the inability to concentrate – sometimes classified as ADHD. If your teenager comes into this category, there is plenty that can be done to not only help, but to transform the situation. Homeopathic remedies and Theta Healing are both powerful tools.

Ritalin is often prescribed by the medical profession. I personally, do not believe that Ritalin is the answer or even a temporary solution. It does not cure the underlying causes and you end up with a child living under a permanent drug regime.

I have treated teenagers for all these beliefs and problems.  Some of them have been very alienated, and in these cases it has taken them longer to get them back on track. But it can be done.

It’s not the studying that’s the problem – it’s the beliefs surrounding the studying.

These can be changed.

The fastest and most effective method I have found is Theta Healing.

On my website www.18.135.123.1. I have an explanation on Theta Healing and how it works. If you click on the page – What clients have said – you will see a message from a mother whose daughter began doing much better in her exams and with her revision after Theta Healing.

If you would like to find out more, please contact me on:  07979538 378