Do you need to release your ex?
There are so many people who have been divorced – and yet somehow, they remain tied to their ex. As if invisible bonds keep them repeating the same actions, and sometime feeling the same feelings, even years after the decree absolute.
I see this in my Theta Healing practice all the time:
One woman I know is still providing food and cooking meals for her ex. Partly because she fears for her children’s’ welfare while they are with him.
I’ve known men who submit to unreasonable demands from their ex, to the extent that they can’t properly look after themselves. One man is still providing a very expensive health insurance and all maintenance and repair on what was their marital home. This has left him unable to commit to his new relationship properly as he is struggling with his finances.
Then there is the emotional backlash so many people experience after divorce, which feeds these unhelpful post-divorce relationships:
- Guilt about finishing a relationship that was meant to last through “sickness and in health until death do us part.”
- A sense of failure
- The loss of confidence when a partner has divorced you.
But there’s something else that we don’t take into account, which can have a much bigger impact than most people realise.
We have made vows to be with that person until death. A solemn promise witnessed by those we love and respect. The impact of ending that contract of marriage has a deep psychological impact.
People think that they’re going to feel better when the decree absolute comes through – and some people do. But many find themselves still wondering what their ex is doing and who they are with. This is confusing because they think the marriage is over, but just can’t let it go and of course, this is compounded if they are sharing custody of the children – and the children may be exposed to a new partner.
They can find themselves still tied to their ex by anger, resentment, guilt and a host of other emotions.
A decree absolute finishes a marriage in the eyes of the law. But it does not break the vows each partner has made to the other. Our unconscious minds take these vows seriously. They are not just words.
We have so much patterning held in the unconscious mind which is triggered when experiencing something as traumatic as a divorce. Through the ongoing ‘connection’ to the ex partner, that patterning is asking to be looked at and revised and the marriage vows need to be released. Only then can you truly be free to start again.
I discovered how strong these vows are from working with my clients, so I always ensure that the marriage vows have been revoked.
Deborah Talalay: The Stamford Healing Process
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